This has been one hell of a school year for me. Many things have occurred this year that I would have never thought was possible in my lifetime, at least not while I'm still alive and kicking. But apparently, that only proves that I am only human and anything outside of my control is fair game and could be swayed either way.
To begin, this school year marked my first year in graduate school. That was really exciting for me especially because the classes I registered for were really interesting and things that I had never before learned about so I was sure that it was going to be challenging. And challenging it was, nothing short of it. Never before in my life had I learned so much about Mainland China, its government, politics, economy, culture, and so much more. I thought that was a big enough change and challenge for me. But nope, something even more challenging had to happen.
It was the night before Thanksgiving Day, I was just randomly chatting with some friends online when I heard that there was a possibility that my so-called loving and caring boyfriend might be cheating on me. Let me tell you, that was like a sharp needle pain that only pierced in one direction. So being myself, I tried to be strong and thought to myself, "F that, fine, I'm done with that crap". So I called him and asked and of course I got the regular, it's not true, those are just rumors speech. But I was determined that it was true cause the previous month and half had not been the most pleasant time in the relationship. Communication had begun to dwindle down about a month after I returned back to Taiwan from a short vacation in Palau. So because of that and other mishaps that have pushed me over the edge over the course of the 2 years that we had been together were all coming back to me and I was almost sure at that point that I no longer wanted to be in that relationship. If only it were as easy to do as it was to say. Anyway, of course I was still pretty weak at this point so after a few hundred times of hearing it's not true, I believed it again. And there was the long distance factor that had to be calculated in, and since I was away, I immaturely decided that I will give it some time and just wait til I get home to see how things are and decide then the fate of my relationship. Two days later, I'm riding the metro down to the Fisherman's Wharf here for what was supposed to be a nice evening stroll and grabbing a bite to eat, I get a phone call where I "supposedly" find out that it had only been a one time thing and that it did not happen again. Needless to say, tears streamed down my face throughout the rest of the metro ride to the Fisherman's Wharf and boy, am I thankful for my cousin Kebor who was sitting next to me on the metro who kept me sane. I immediately called my sister to find out if she had heard anything and she hadn't. But boy, was she in for a treat the following day. So the next day comes, and things have calmed down a bit, and even though my gut instinct was that he was indeed cheating on me, I just ignored it and said it was a one-time thing and I should forgive him and leave things the way they are. The initial thoughts of not wanting to be in the relationship when I had first heard of the possibility of him cheating on me, had all left and I was trying to convince myself that things were going to get better. Sunday night rolls around and I get a call from my sister saying he just saw him with another girl. I cannot even put to words what I had felt at that moment. The next phone call was of course to him and like every other time, he was apologizing profusely but I wasn't listening to that. I only remember asking repeatedly why. I called back after receiving a text message from him telling me and my family to stay away from him and the girl decided to answer but it cut off immediately. (By the way, the girl is my second cousin, her dad and my mom are first cousins.) He called me later that night apologizing and telling me the whole spill of how much he loves me, but I was determined at that point to just end it all, which I did. And boy, were the following weeks some of the hardest. If you're looking for a diet plan, get your heart broken, I shed 15 pounds in a week. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, got drunk unintentionally (no food in your stomach means less alcohol needed to get drunk) and lost my wallet in the process. I still kept in contact with him when he called or text messaged me until one Sunday evening when my second cousin decided to call me from Palau supposedly to apologize that she didn't know that we were together but also told me that my pictures were still all over his room. I was taken back by the bold move on her part, but decided that I needed to change numbers so I did. Communication and contact became less frequent as he was only able to contact me through email but it was still enough to keep my mind busy from time to time thinking of what was next. From my mouth, I kept telling myself and others that I was done for good, but inside my head, I was still contemplating it, another classic battle of the mind and the heart. This emotional roller coaster lasted until the time came for me to go home. And then it just got even crazier once I was home. Out of anger and rage, I argued and cursed him and said many things that I did not think I was capable of saying. Furthermore, I did things out of anger and revenge that I did not think I was capable of doing. But all this came after he started coming to my house in the middle of the night to check on me that I was at home sleeping alone, driving around town and coming to clubs with his new girl looking for me and picking fights with me only to apologize profusely and cry five minutes later. I got many threats that he would hurt me, my family, and others that might be close to me. I was almost run over once by him all because I kept saying no, I was not willing to wait until he got his issues with the other girl solved. I was offered everything he was capable of giving me, if only I would say yes to waiting for him. I would be lying if I said I did not consider it. But my logic and reasoning always told me that I would be a fool to take him back under these circumstances. I had been physically threatened, my family was being physically threatened all because of something that started that I had nothing to do with. So I decided to cut all ties and communication. I found out a lot more things about him from others that helped me make my decision.
This lasted until the day I left, literally waiting to board the plane and he still would not just be nice. I was trying to be nice and just hoped that we could go our own separate ways peacefully with no hard feelings and such, but apparently that was not possible as he was still cursing me and angry that I would not wait for him. I just said I'm sorry it has to be this way and I boarded the plane to come back to Taiwan. So now I'm back, immediately changed phone numbers upon returning and hopefully this will be the last number change I will have to go through now. I got a message last week about him going to the states and wanting to talk to me about it of a possibility of me going after this semester is over, but I just disregarded it. I'm still not fully over him yet, but I think I'm well on my way, hopefully at least. I just keep reminding myself that with God nothing is impossible, and I pray each day that he gives me wisdom and guidance in all that I do. I pray for the same for all of you who are reading this blog. And lastly, this is one of my favorite things to keep in mind when the waters get rough, it helps. :)
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